Saturday, August 11, 2012

Dead Dogs and Whiskey

I knew my friends were curious, so I devised a home brew do-it-yourself chemo regime just like my own real one. Everyone who tried it now raves about it and can't wait to get their own real cancer treatment someday.

NOTE: Although the best results are achieved if your test subject can somehow manage to catch the flu during the home made chemo trial, pretty realistic results are none the less achievable without having the flu.

First of all the subject will have to run a full marathon, preferably on a hot day. If your subject cannot run a marathon, any distance that will cause the subject to throw up and collapse at the finish will do. Physical exhaustion is the cornerstone of home-style chemo.

Next, to initiate depression, your subject should crawl home from the run and euthanize the pet dog. If no dog is available, a cat might do or perhaps a hamster or fish. Any treasured creature will do or even burning the mint vintage XKE Jag in the garage if no living things are about. The point is to induce massive depression somehow.

The final stage is to drink as much cheap whisky as quickly as possible after the run and the "pet regret" project. If not whisky, have the subject drink whatever liquor he or she can't stand going down, much less coming up again. Less liquor will be necessary if your subject has the flu and much more if he or she does not. The point is to induce a monumental hangover with the maximum amount of nausea.

I would love to hear your results of trying this with your friends and relatives. It has worked wonders with my crew. They all tried it with great results. None of them ask me anymore "How are your feeling today?” because they finally know.

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